Saturday, May 19, 2012

full circle

June 16, 2008

it's funny how no matter how much you try or don't try to get away from who you were origianally, you always end up right back where you started anyways.
one year ago almost exactly to the day, i was probably lying in my bed with tears rolling down my cheeks absolutely convinced that i would never be the same.
i was right, but i just didn't see that as a good thing at the time. 
i hated that everything was changing. i hated that the dream i had been living was ending and that i had not thought about what i would do or who i would be when that happened. 
but what i realize now is that it wasn't really that anything was changing. in all actuality, i had just completely lost a grip on who i was and i had spent years becoming what i thought everyone else wanted me to be. i was crying because now i was all alone and that meant spending time with me and sorting out all the junk to find myself all over again. 
i knew even then that god had a divine plan and purpose and that no matter how defeated i felt in that moment he was going to carry me every step of the way. 
and he did.
as soon as school was out i shoved my flute in the back of my closet. 
i convinced myself that ysu was the way to go and that i indeed would love to spend my life editiing novels.
i pined and wished for everything to change and go back to how it had been for months and months and months.

and then some really rough stuff tapped me on the shoulder and opened my eyes to the source of my misery.

i just wasn't being myself. 
the real rachel wouldn't have stayed down for so long. she would have recognized the oppertunity for changing and learning and kept smiling. she would have followed her heart instead of staying pinned down by anything, let alone things of the past.

and while i knew all of that, i just couldn't seem to return to myself.

but as time went on i saw it happening a little at a time. 

like when i finally made the choice to move my life to springfieild missouri.
or when i decided to revert to my "i kissed dating goodbye" state of mind.
or like today when i randomly pulled my flute out of my closet and was pleasently surprised when my fingers magically remembered how to move and my brain could still interpret all of the little black markings on the page. 

and i thought.
how strange that i had it all figured out in the eighth grade. i knew what i liked. i did what i liked and i planned on making a way to always do what i liked. 

but so many things got in the way and in the shuffle i lost myslef and my passions. and even in the midst of the wonderful moments i was terrified for when it wasn't that way anymore.
now that i've finally gotten myslef back i never ever want to lose it again and i really don't think that i will. becuase although i talked myself out of it, i think that i liked who i was back then. i don't regret anything that happened and i wouldn't change a thing in my past becuase it got me here. and i'm really glad that i am here and i love where i am going.
so thank you to all of the good and all of the bad that got me here.

and for those of you who are just a little younger than me, listen to your heart.
seriously. people will tell you that you are young and that you don't know what you want...but you do. i just pray that you hold onto it no matter what comes your way.

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