Well, it's been a real long while since I've taken the time to write a blog.
But I suppose transition always brings it out of me.
I've been married for just a little less than a year now, and truly it’s my favorite and the most fun thing I've ever done. Of course it comes with challenging moments but overall it's a huge win for me. One thing l love in particular is the way it makes you realize things about yourself that you just never had in all the years you spent alone. Sometimes that's more fun and comfortable than others.
As the weather has warmed up in Seattle and the days have grown longer and longer, we’ve started to take more evening walks. Mostly so Lincoln, our high maintenance old man pup will go to sleep at night. But we've also tried to make it intentional time to be away from screens and to get fresh air and just to simply talk to each other.
On one of our walks last week, V was teasing me about now excited I am for summer to get here and now annoyed I had been that the weather was still so cold and rainy and that they still hadn't finished getting the pool ready to open at our apartment complex. I laughed with him because I have been really eager for summer this year, and that made me stop and think. I mean, I kept walking, just shifted to thinking about my eagerness for summer.
Listen. I am not one of those people who says "I don't know" when asked my favorite of just about anything.
Favorite color, favorite animal, favorite ice cream... so it’s no surprise that I absolutely have a favorite season. Without a doubt there is a hierarchy, and summer has just never been at the top.
It's always been autumn for this October baby.
We kept walking and then I realized that though I don't love any season quite as much as fall, I do still very much anticipate all of them. Maybe because I grew up with them? Perhaps because I love change and newness and don't love sameness? I remember that one thing I struggled with a lot while living in MX was the endless summer.
So many people- especially foreigners- loved the heat and sun and palm tress all year round. And of course I loved that too at first, but I soon found that the months and years felt like forever to me because not much around me was changing.
I realized that my soul longed for the changing and shifting of seasons.
So back to our walk last Thursday.
It suddenly clicked for me. While summer is not my season, my soul was anticipating a shift and feeling ready for some change. A change in temperature, in wardrobe, in scenery and activities and in-season fruit. Maybe even a change in myself? And so for these reasons I welcome each new season and was feeling particularly excited about summer this turn around the sun.
A lot has changed for me this past year.
Like a lot a lot.
More than I even realize until I really sit down and think through each transition.
A lot of people I love dearly moved really far away, my work team reset and reshaped a total of six times- no joke- I got married and moved across town and started sharing a new space with a boy and even had to completely shift my diet due to some health issues I started addressing.
Yeah, it’s been a lot.
Most recently a work/ job transition. My role as kids director at my church became part time. That one l didn't really see coming and certainly didn't welcome at first. And all of this got me thinking, why on earth world I want anything else to change right now? Even something as simple as the season? I found myself clinging so tightly to this job at this church I love so dearly and deeply and really struggling to loosen my grip. Even though I knew it was the right next thing and actually felt a lot of peace about it.
Still so much had changed so quickly and suddenly I found myself longing for that eternal and unchanging endless Mexican summer. I guess I just didn't want one more thing to change. Especially not this one thing that I had grown so attached to and truly found so much joy in doing on the daily.
That job had truly been such an aligning of the stars and I felt so lucky and honored that I got to do it It was a dream. Exactly what I love to do in the heart of the city I love most paying a salary I could actually live on (which is pretty spectacular on its own if you know anything at all about ministry) and I got to do it with a team of my very best friends.
It found me at just the right time and in just the right place,
or rather,
God let me be there just for that time and place.
And it was so perfect.
For that season.
But as I began to get really honest with myself and to really hear from people around me who have loved me well and walked with me through so many of these changes, something became really clear. Yes this job had been a dream job and it was absolutely perfect for the season that it found me in, but I am also and absolutely no longer in that season.
And that was maybe the hardest thing for me to accept.
Because I loved that season so much. It had been one of my favorite seasons and I just didn't feel ready to step into a new one. This particular season was one l wanted to last forever.
Okay, back to our Thursday walk just one more time.
To the "everything clicking" part.
When I realized that even though summer is not my favorite season, I'm still really looking forward to it.
When I remembered that even though winter is my least favorite season, there are still things I love about it.
And that's the thing!
I’ve come to love the shifting and changing of seasons so much because I've learned to love and embrace things about all of them and because as we pass through them, I’m always looking forward to and anticipating my favorite season to come around and find me once again.
I've learned to love the chaos of Christmas shopping and the creativity in gift wrapping and fresh fallen snow-but seriously-only the fresh stuff. I love being that dog mom and putting Lincoln in lots of Christmas sweaters and sending out cards with Lincoln pictured in those sweaters of course. No other season brings better music or movies and I adore the nostalgia followed along by a new start to everything. And then in spring life seems to start all over once again and everything is in bloom and there are always fresh tulips on the table and it’s V’s birthday and I feel all inspired (even more than usual) to clean and tidy and organize everything. And just when I’m sick of stepping in soppy grass and bathing Lincoln for the 3rd time in one week because I own a white dog in the pnw, just then the clouds break and the sun bursts through and I break out the barely used bottle of sunscreen that I hope hasn't already expired and I go outside. As much as possible. The 7 in me lives for long bright days and all of the possibility you can pack into them. Waking up to sunlight in your eyes and throwing up all the blinds to let the sunshine stream in. Days near the water and free of layers and bare feet in the grass and writing on whatever patio situation I’m blessed to have at the time and the smell on your skin after you’ve been in the sun for a long time and the sunscreen is soaked in and fres nectarines and how much more you can fit in a suitcase and now my wedding anniversary. And then comes fall my favorite of all and all its coziness and warm scents and pumpkin everything and my birthday and my favorite day (they're different, don't ask, or just read the blog I wrote about it) and the crisp air and Thanksgiving.
And so I realize that this last season was one of the greats.
It was one of my autumns and I’ll forever cherish it as such.
But I know now that every autumn has to end and that every season must come between in order for autumn to be everything it is and all the things I love about it.
And I can either grit my teeth and endure all the seasons in between just waiting for autumn to come around again, or I can embrace all of the beauty that can be found in the others.
So to that girl whose soul longs for the changing of seasons and the newness and beauty of each one, here you are again.
Autumn is ending and you're sad, but remember there is so much joy and growth and beauty and life to be lived between autumns.
And autumn, your most favorite season, is in the end all about letting go.
Be gentle with yourself, sweet girl.
Summer is here and autumn is not far behind her.
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