Today was one of those days. You know. THOSE days. It started with a restless night's sleep. I kept waking up feeling my retainers making my mouth sore (yes I still wear my retainers...I wore a headgear to school...it's a long story...) and literally sleep talked myself into keeping them in until 8AM. And in between I tossed and turned to a strange string of dreams where everything just felt off and mixed up and unfinished. So by the time I finally quit trying to really sleep around 9:15AM I rolled out of bed exhausted like I had worked all through the night. The to do list was long today and when I went to sleep last night I had every intention of making this a productive Tuesday. Ah. Intentions. Good ones. I ended up just getting ready for an appointment at 11AM. Ended up being late because I couldn't get my little Pontiac G6 out of our driveway. This British running man thankfully was running despite the mounds of snow and ice raining down. He talked/dug us out of our driveway. Thank goodness for disciplined runner people.
We had a little catching up/not sure where to start chunk of conversation with our pastor. By the time he was finished praying, my mom and I were both in tears. I guess this little sit down was a long time coming. Just years of stuff we haven't faced alone or together or figured out how to communicate to each other. Especially since we lost my daddy. I guess when we lost him we lost our translator.
It was long. It was hard. It was draining and exhausting. Filled with those silent tears you can't even keep up with or control in the least. The kind that glide down your cheeks and land on your shirt before you can even stop them and come along with choked out, unexpected words. The tears and the combination of words continually surprising you because you weren't even aware this was all inside of you.
So cleansing and freeing.
Anyways. We left. Went home. I just needed to process. SO much hard work to be done.
Instead I just changed into leggings and my daddy's (now faded) olive green hoodie and went to sleep on our couch. Left coffee brewing in my room. Set no alarm.
I sleep to escape my brain. Often. I know this about myself. I don't hate it.
I woke up. Still groggy. Still drained. Still exhausted. I checked my e-mails and did a few things that "mattered" in between scrolling pages of pins and telling myself that mattered too.
Struggled through another day in this awkward place of knowing the next step but only being able to prepare so much. Of wanting to be present but also preparing my heart and mind for a new home and wanting to make that place home. Of not wanting to waste away precious time in this home with friends and family. Of my heart being torn in two...or three...or a countless number of directions.
I made carrots and asparagus for dinner but then decided to have a pancake instead.
It is national pancake day after all. And I was pretty proud of myself. #1 Because based on the day I had I could have just driven straight to IHOP and downed an entire stack for free and #2 I opted for just one multigrain pancake made with egg white and almond milk topped with natural peanut butter. That's what I call compromise and rational thinking. A huge feat for me when I know my brain was functioning in a nowhere near rational state.
I gave up on plans to go to the gym #1 because literally everything is coated in ice and #2 I just didn't feel like it. I wanted to watch dumb reality tv and eat a pancake instead.
I ended the night with 30 minutes of pilates/yoga and a cupcake scented candle burning.
Yes. It was just one of those days. A leggings-oversized hoodie wearing-avoidcance afternoon nap-pancakes for dinner-yoga before bed to force breathing-sort of day.
At least it makes for good, honest blog material. Of course I said nothing inspirational or motivational. Just hoping a raw, honest post will encourage you to know that these sorts of days are natural. They happen to all of us and it's okay to just give in and let them win from time to time. It's okay to take a nap and eat a pancake for dinner and face the world tomorrow.
As long as you do of course. Face the world tomorrow...or shortly after.
I love to be brave. I love to be productive. I love to get out there and take on the world.
But I also know that I'll mark more things off of my list and be more efficient and productive in some of my tomorrows when I learn to recognize and embrace and let myself off the hook on those todays.
So today I'm telling you to give yourself permission to eat a pancake and take a nap or do whatever it is you need to do to refuel and refresh and inhale so you can be your brave, strong, productive self tomorrow.
And I won't lie. I don't know how ready I am for tomorrow and all that comes with. But I do know this-I'm facing tomorrow in a cozy, oversized poncho that reminds me of a lovely weekend spent in Oklahoma with my best friend, and well, that's at least a start.
I think I've learned my own personal coping strategies for days like these mostly from romantic comedies. You know...the heroine we all want to be escapes to her darling little place that looks like it came straight off of HGTV in the heart of a big city and reflects in her cute, cozy clothes over some comfort food and a sappy song. I think I like to escape to my rom-com place and hope that like them, everything will just work itself out, be resolved, and I'll reach my happy ending in just a quick, clear cut 1.5 hours.
On a lighter note...here are some things I am loving lately and that are bringing a smile to my face on these sorts of days...
These sweet little bluebirds I found the other day at Hobby Lobby for $1 each. I especially love them because they are small enough to move across the border with me :)
These fun little lip gloss eggs. I just got into them and I love them. (Yes I know there is some mold rumor going around...I don't know about all that...) Today there is no mold in mine and they make me smile. With flavors like blueberry acai, coconut milk, and lemon drop, what's NOT to love.
This darling, laughing, dark wood baby elephant. Also a Hobby Lobby treasure who will be coming with me to Mexico.
I have really bought into makeup removing wipes. It's the only way I've found I will consistently take my makeup off before bed. Problem is...I'm also cheap. On one of my regular, evening Target wandering sessions, I stumbled upon these little miracle wipes! They are apricot, exfoliating makeup remover wipes! They have fun little beads in them and my face feels so fresh and clean before bed every night! Not to mention, it's motivation to take my makeup off even when I am feeling lazy and tired because it feels so good and I look forward to it :) They were only $3 for 30 which is totally acceptable! It's nice to wipe away the day and feel clean and refreshed before climbing into bed...especially on THOSE days.
First fresh flower purchase of the year. Did my heart and my soul so much good :)
Clean eating. A fresh, home cooked, yummy meal on a freshly cleared table with some bright flowers and a springtime candle. Oh. Don't forget a few fresh blackberries in your sparkly berry water!
Need to look presentable tomorrow but still feeling the aftermath of one of those days? Wanting to say in bed and your pjs? Rock out an oversized, cozy poncho. I know that's what I did :)
Quick photo at the end of my leggings-oversized hoodie wearing-avoidcance afternoon nap-pancakes for dinner-yoga before bed to force breathing-sort of day. Also after using my wonderful new makeup remover wipes. This is as real and honest as it gets folks.
Again. Just want to encourage you not to be afraid to have those days and even more than that not to be afraid to share with other people when you do. It's a crazy life. A wonderful, beautiful, thrilling, lovely life...but a crazy one nonetheless. And we need each other. We need Jesus. But he gave us each other to do this crazy life together. I mean...we need each other to talk it out, to share ice cream and pancakes with, to cry with and laugh with...heck, we just need each other to remind each other that we all have these days and to give each other permission to go ahead every now and then!
So this is me doing just that. In my own way. And reminding you that you can do the same...in your own way :) Have grace with yourself today. Never stop growing and learning and moving forward, but let yourself eat a pancake and take a nap and live a day in leggings before you do. And if you need a coping buddy on one of those days...I'm only a phone call away!