Ha. Like I am ever anything else...
At least I am consistent :)
I am sitting in front of my blank, white blog space quite perplexed as to what I should write about this week. It's not like I don't have anything floating around in my brain to write about. It's actually that I have a lot of things floating around up there...too many. I can't seem to land on or focus in on any one topic or thought. Remember how I mentioned last week that my life is currently messy. Well. So is my brain.
It's for this exact sort of moment that I instituted Friday blog days. Because I knew the time would come when I didn't have some neatly thought out idea or lesson to communicate. But I also knew that when that happened, I was going to need to write anyways. That's what they keep telling me anyways. "Me" being the authors of those books I keep reading about how to be a real writer and get published. They say that even when you don't know what to write, you just gotta keep writing.
So, here I am. I'll just share a little bit of the lot of somethings I have floating around up there at the moment.
Fist of all. I now officially believe that old wive's tale that eating chocolate before bed makes you have crazy dreams. I don't usually eat chocolate, like ever. But this week I was really craving some and with our upcoming Christmas party, we had some around the house. I ate a hershey kiss before bed. ONE hershey kiss. And I had this insane dream that I cannot get out of my head. I dreamed that I was moving back from Seattle, but I was moving back with a group of people. The only way we had to move back was a unicycle with a giant wagon attached to the back. I was supposed to ride this unicycle attached to a wagon with these people and all of their stuff all the way back to Ohio. And apparently that is a distance of 256,000 miles. That's the number I kept stressing in my dream. Also, the tire kept going flat (I can't imagine why) and I kept having to ride the unicycle through the night which I kept saying was my least favorite time to have to drive. But no one would take over for me even though they said they would. So I just kept riding and trying to get all of these people across the country in this impossibly difficult way. And then I kept getting to this particular point in the road that looked familiar but that I didn't know how to navigate and so I just sat there trying to fix the tire and figure out which way to go. #Strange
But I couldn't get it off my mind, so I googled a dream dictionary just for kicks and giggles. Something like dreaming about bikes means I am wanting to find balance in my life and current situations and I need to make sure I am finding leisure time in my life. I don't know about all of that. What I do know is that I have been exhausted with the messiness and before bed every night I have been telling Jesus that I don't know what to pray or how to pray or even how to hear Him anymore and I have been asking Him to speak to me in dreams. I haven't quite decided if the weird unicycle dream was Jesus or the chocolate but it was certainly strange and also unforgettable. I will keep you posted on further developments.
Another thing that has been driving me insane (especially during the holiday season) is American culture. I know, I know. What else is new...but I guess working retail this Christmas has just made me more aware and more disgusted than ever before. And I am not excluding myself from this. That's what disgusts me the most I think. That I'm a part of it. I help fuel it. This awful society that is fueled by greed and consumerism and selfishness. Always needing more of everything. A society that has completely lost track of what is necessary and what is essential; what we need and what we just want...or even worse...what we think we want. We have stockpiles of everything. Everything. Food. Clothing. Blankets. Lotion. Toothpaste. Everything. While the majority of the world lacks almost all of those things. And we claim to be generous, but generosity is not genuine until it hurts. I suppose that's a little harsh, but I think it's also true. I see it in myself. I don't give nearly as much as I gain and keep for myself. I am not nearly as generous as I would like to think I am. I will probably buy three more candles tomorrow because there's a good sale, but I cannot add five dollars a month to sponsor another abandoned, starving child on the other side of the world. (Please see exhibit Z) I could write a whole blog about this, and I probably will at some point. It's just been eating away at me this holiday season. So if you do anything at all this Christmas, be genuinely generous. Because the reason we celebrate is because one little baby came to change us all, and I have never known anyone more generous than He.
I miss walking everywhere more than I ever thought I would. I miss my city life without a car, always collecting quarters in case I needed to grab a bus and making sure to keep track of my transfers. I
miss walking a few blocks to my friends houses, the grocery store, the gym, and my morning and afternoon walks to and from work with Lincoln. My clothes miss it too. I am feeling a bit on the sluggy side. Longing for the city this Christmas.
I keep thinking about how I feel stuck and how all I want to do is move. And then I think I won't move because I haven't heard Jesus say where...but then I also keep thinking that I am stuck and not moving because I am doubting myself and my ability to hear Him. I don't actually doubt whether or not He is speaking.
I cannot find a pair of glasses or a winter coat, or luggage for that matter I mean, I have found several of each, but none that are just right. I literally find myself assessing every person that I check out at Bath and Body Works and making notes of sales and stores to check out for coats and glasses, and I have been rolling luggage up and down store aisles trying to imagine them accompanying me on future adventures. The search is on, but I am not feeling hopeful for falling in love with any before Christmas. Mostly because I am cheap and I am picky. It's true. I just keep hoping the after Christmas sales will prove worth the wait and I can finally stop reading through scratches and stay warm in the antarctic Ohio winter and actually roll my luggage through airports rather than lugging it.
I have been thinking a lot lately about living authentically. Every moment of every day. Doing my very best to be present in each moment and to be honest in each moment. Wherever I am, whoever I am with, with however I am feeling. To not withhold kind words or thoughts or even truthful ones that hurt a little. To make sure people know how I feel about them, that they are loved. To look and act as much like Jesus as I possibly can in every moment I am given and in every situation that I face. To embrace every moment and every season and every lesson. To find joy and to give joy. To be generous whenever I can and however I can be. To draw all of the beauty there is to be had out of every moment I live. To live with passion. To pour myself into every blessing I have received; my job, my family, my calling. To serve. To say what I mean and mean what I say. To keep my promises, big and small. I have been told that I care too deeply and I give my heart away too easily. I have thought these to be bad things. I have changed my mind. When I reflect on what Jesus did for me. How much He gave. How He lived with passion and grace and kindness. There's no way I could ever care deeply enough. Ever.
I just became an IPhone 6 owner. Sort of by accident. At any rate, I set the whole thing up in Spanish. This was a proud moment for me. I can't say that I was always sure of what I was agreeing to, but it
turned out alright and I learned a few new words. I have been thinking a lot lately about how much I adore Spanish language and culture and how much room Guadalajara has taken up in my heart. How often I want to respond in Spanish or at least try to and how sad I am that no one here would understand.
I gave my heart to Jesus 22 years ago today. For 22 years Jesus has been my best friend, my healer, my teacher, my comforter, my guide, and so much more. I honestly don't even know what life without Him would look like and I am so very VERY thankful that I never have to. I have been given the incredible gift of never experiencing a day in my life without Jesus and today I celebrate that and also who Jesus is to me.
I've also been thinking all week about what I should write for this Friday's blog post. Unfortunately that thought was crowded out by all of these. It is what it is :)
*Trust me. It's always a good idea to have a pair of silly reindeer glasses on hand. #holidayessentials #provingmyabovepoint #exhibitz