Wilderness Confession #1

I know, I know I said I was finished blogging about the wilderness for a while...but then something happened...

This week I have been missing "Egypt" like crazy!

Remember how I said that whenever I read about the Israelites they just get way under my skin because I can't stand how much they complain and grumble and refuse to see how good God has been to them...? Remember how I might have also said that the reason they probably get under my skin so much is because I know I do the very same thing in my own life...

Well.

Today. On a Saturday (NOT blog day) I am bringing you my first confession of sorts from the wilderness.

It turns out that my speculations were 123% accurate.

Ever since I wrote my last Wilderness Survival Guide blog post ("ever since" being yesterday,) I have caught words like "I feel cheated," and "I just wish I could go back," and "I miss my balcony in Seattle," coming out of my mouth at super sonic speeds and in less than desirable tones. Telling people how much I loved my west coast life and job and how much I miss it. "WHAT ARE WE EVEN DOING HERE!?" is one that has slipped out numerous times. I have wondered often if I made a mistake and if I am just bound to make more in the choices I make moving forward.

Basically everything that God has asked me to leave behind in order to bring me to this place and this point, I have missed this week and I have reminded Him of such.

Needless to say I have been feeling slightly convicted since I did after all JUST write a blog on maintaining perspective in these wilderness moments and NOT being Israel in these situations...

But this is an honest post. The real back story of a blogger. This is me stepping out of my routine inspirational blogging mode to share with you a real moment in my life that inspires all of those Friday posts. This my friends, is where the blogging and the writing really happens. This is where life really happens. Not in the refined, well thought out words of wisdom that are neatly published on a pretty blog site every Friday, nope. Right here in my bedroom on a Saturday night in my sweats that drive me crazy because they are way too short and my messy bun that I just won't ever be able to pull off in public no matter how much I want to.

These are the moments when I want to just crawl into my bed and close my eyes so tightly that I force the rest of me to sleep too. But instead I sit down with my journal or my Bible or I call up a friend who will put me in my place, or in this case I sit down to type and I allow Jesus to reshape my thinking and restore my heart and refresh my soul. It's so hard. SO hard. I don't want to let Him work because that is painful and uncomfortable and sleep and crying are just so much easier. I would rather wallow in my selfish misunderstanding of the whole ordeal and throw myself a giant pity party. I don't want to pray for Him to make my heart like His because I would rather just hold onto my own plans and ideas and desires. I would rather keep believing that what I had and where I was, was indeed the best and that somehow I am being cheated because my life looks nothing like that in this moment. I would rather look back on where I was and what I had and who was in my life with fondness because that's so much easier than finding the beauty in my present surroundings and circumstances.

You get the idea.

Today I want to be Israel. Today I would rather just go backwards because moving forward just seems so hard and terrifying. Today I realize the weight of my current mantra, "Don't be Israel." Today I am telling you that I did not succeed...actually I probably made those whiney, bratty Israelites seem like little angels. Today I want you to know that it's totally normal and more than okay to have days like "today." If you are anything like me, you are way too hard on yourself. If you are anything like me, you won't let yourself have days like "today."

But you should. Because more than anything God wants our honest, genuine hearts whatever their condition. He will not refuse us ever, even on days like "today."

And I am here to confess that today I am more thankful for that beautiful truth than I may have ever been before. Today I am Israel and today I am going to put my big girl panties on, be brave, and let God dig the Israel out of me.