This Year

 So there are quite a few things that I'm doing my very best to leave in 2025. 

There were certainly beautiful things in 2025, but there was also the most hard I've lived so far. The hardest mental and emotional season I've walked through, and the scariest questions I've ever asked of God. I spent a lot of the year bitter, angry, and living through an endless maze of "why" questions with what felt like no way out. 

And to be honest, that head and heart space is exhausting. And I just needed it to change. 

But needing it to change or even wanting it to change are very different from changing it. 

Because changing it might be just as hard as living it. 

But I was sure it was time. 

The question I was left with, was how. I needed a plan. 

Here's the plan. I'll let you know how it goes :) 

#1 Choose a word. 

I'm not usually a "word of the year" person, but I've known for a long time time that 2026 had a word and that word was going to be--had to be--content. 

Less rushing ahead or striving towards the next season, and more savoring this one and staying present in it for exactly what it is. That has been a daily struggle and I know it will continue to be, so I wanted to keep this word in front of me. I got in touch with my crafty side and made a little banner for my bathroom mirror. I didn't only want to see the word, I wanted to see it when I looked at myself until I believed that I was. 

#2 Vision Board

Again. Not usually my thing--never made one in my life. But this year it felt essential. I needed a visual to keep pulling me back in when I start to spiral. Of course I made a night of it with my best girls and I found a place where I would see it all the time. Whenever I'm getting ready in the morning or ready to sleep at night, I ponder these things and try to reset. 

#3 Grounded in gratitude

I knew this year that I had to stop believing my hands are empty and instead focus on all of the good things they're already holding. And I have to be very intentional about this. So I gathered some resources. A book I've wanted to read for a very long time, 1000 Gifts by Anne Vonskamp and the companion journal/devo Gifts and Gratitudes to go with it. I can't tell you how much this has changed my heart and my perspective in just a few short weeks. Could not recommend more if you're in a season when gratitude feels difficult. 

#4 Be Still 

This is forever a challenge for me. Staying still and quiet to actually hear from God is my worst spiritual discipline without a doubt. But I knew that this year I needed to conquer it. Because I'm desperate to hear Him. So again, I gathered some tools to help set myself up for success. I found these beeswax meditation candles that burn for exactly 20 minutes. They have helped me to stay in one place and feel a bit more intentional than a timer on my phone. (purchased on Amazon) 

#5 Connection and Community 

I've been beyond blessed with amazing friends and church community. Over and over again actually in so many places and seasons.I know that I could not walk through this without them and that this year I needed to lean in even more. Some of my dearest friends came together, got a beautiful devotional, and we've been reading and sharing via Marco Polo. So let this be your reminder that friendship and community does not have to slow with distance or hard seasons. We're all in very different places geologically and in life, and still we are finding simple and meaningful ways to connect and grow together. This is the book that we're working through: The Way of the Wild Flower by Ruth Chou Simons 

#6 Staying Present 

This one is hard--especially when you're in a season of waiting and you'd like to just get it over with already. But I'm doing my best to feel those feels and also open my eyes to everything wonderful in front of me in this moment. It's a moment by moment process, but I'm not giving up this year. Because while beautiful things lie ahead, I know that someday I'll long for this exact beautiful place as hard as that is to imagine. Recently visiting MN in the dead of winter was a very real reminder of this. The cold was bitter, but the time was beautiful. The winter wind stung my cheeks, but it also made me feel alive and so grateful for the stories that had led me there and who I got to share it with :) 

#7 He is always good and always kind

This hasn't always or even often felt true for me as of late. But in the deepest parts of me, I know it is and so I keep fighting to believe it and live like it. I recently discovered an artist that depicts Christ's heart in such a tangible way. It helps me to see Him how He really is rather than how it's feeling in any given moment. I have 3 of them hung on the wall right next to my bed so that I see Him this way as soon as I wake up and especially when I'm trying to fall asleep amidst all of the worry and the lies that try to creep in. You can check out her artwork here: Paige Payne Creations

#8 Keep looking for the light and letting it in

The other day I was at an appointment that I really rather would not have been at. I was holding back tears of disbelief and hurt that I was back there again. And then I looked up through the waiting room window of the 7th floor and saw so much light pouring in. The Olympics outlined perfectly against the crsp blue sky and a layer of clouds and pine trees hovering somewhere between it all. And it reminded me of the simple but sensational concept that the sun continues to rise. Even when life feels so heavy and dark, light still pours in. And I can open myself up to that light and let it into all of the cracked places, I just have to decide to. And oh am I cracked, shattered in a lot of ways, but in 2026 I'm hoping that allows all the more light to come break in, even if it means a bit more cracking so that more can get in. 

d e a r 2 0 2 6

Dear 2026, 

Assuming you’ve consulted, or even worse, conspired with 2025, please do me a favor. I’m asking that you would please, kindly consider hearing me out and wiping the slate clean. In a desperate effort not to sound like a broken record (though if I’m being completely honest 2025 did indeed leave me broken) I’d really like the opportunity for a fresh start. 

You see, for quite some time now, I’ve felt rather discontent with the level of discontent that I’ve felt. And in the next 365 days, I’d really love to do away with the ‘dis ‘and simply cling to the content. Quite frankly, I’m tired of complaining. I’m exhausted by the endless, all consuming thought loop that always starts and ends with, “why.” “Why me?” “Why us?” Why this?” “Why not?” There is an infinite variety of this line of questioning–believe me when I tell you that I’ve explored nearly all of them–but it turns out that every single one of them is a dead end. They all lead you nowhere but back to where you started. And when you ultimately arrive back at “why” from “why” you are slightly more discontent than when you set out. It’s a conundrum I’ve tried endlessly to solve and one that traps me every time. Even still, it always seems to lure me back in.

But not this year. Not in 2026. I’m finally fed up. And I know, I know. You’re probably rolling your proverbial eyes. I’m sure 2025 filled you in on how many times I said something like this and then found myself drowning in that sea of why all over again-- sometimes only moments later. So to be fair, I can understand why you might have already tuned me out or stopped listening all together. I admit my credibility is rather shot. 

And if I’m being brutally honest with myself (and you), I’m wondering as well how 2026 is going to be different. How I’m going to be different. Because the truth is that my circumstances are not different at all. I continue to be haunted by words like “unexplained” and “everything looks fine” and by miracles that seem to find their way to everyone but me. By prayers I’ve prayed a million times into what I’m trusting and hoping isn’t an empty sky. 

I’ve spent a lot of time pondering the idea of acceptance. Comparing acceptance and contentment. Wondering if they are the same in some way or at their cores. I suppose I’m still considering that, but I have come to the conclusion that acceptance is at the very least necessary for contentment. Because I know for sure that I can’t truly be content if I won’t stop asking why. Which means I’ve got to somehow accept it all for what it is. And I realize that might sound a bit depressing or hopeless or defreatest–it did to me at first. But the more I sit with it, the more I can start to see that there’s something really beautiful about it. Perhaps accepting it all is merely a more practical way of learning to be content with it all, or perhaps a stepping stone on the way to being deeply and purely content. Perhaps it might be freeing to believe–really believe–that what has been placed in my hands is enough. That I’ve been given exactly what I need. That miracles will find me when they’re supposed to and not a moment sooner (or later for that matter.)That I can be insanely happy until they do and even if they never do. 

So the logical next question is how do I accept it? Trust me, I’m asking myself the same thing. 

With only three days left ahead of your coming, I’m not exactly sure. But, here are some ideas I have for starting. I’m going to choose peace over productivity; trusting over trying; stillness over striving. I am going to ground myself daily in the goodness of my God and the healing properties of His creation: pine trees, and occasional peeks of winter sunlight, and the clean and crispy pacific northwest air. I’m going to cuddle my dog as often as he’ll let me and probably when he won’t too, and I’m going to love the h-e-double hockey sticks out of my husband who himself is a miracle to me. I will eat with my friends and drink so much coffee with them too, and I will tell them what still hurts. But I will also laugh. I will celebrate. I will do the dishes and the laundry. I will light candles and with them little sparks of hope. 

And I suppose I will go on living in a lot of ways as I did in 2025. But I will try to notice more of the beautiful things my hands are holding and a little less what they are not. I can tell you now that I won’t be perfect. I am certain it will continue to be messy and that I will often require resets. But I can promise that I’ll keep showing up because I’m desperate. I’m desperate to find this girl that I’ve lost–the girl that believed wholeheartedly that life is, at its core, beautiful and God is always good and always kind. I hope you'll help me find her and all of the beautiful things because I'm certain they haven't left us <3

Sincerely,

Rachel

Back to Blogging in 2026

Well, it was inevitable that I'd end up back here. 

2025 was a doozy to say the least, and more than anything, writing is how I cope. So I've been feeling a pull back to this creative outlet for some time now, and the start of a new year felt like the right time. 

First of all...can we talk about the fact that we've officially completed a quarter of this century? Or should we not?

I'll start simple. A bit of the good from 2025 (we can leave out the doozy part) and some hopes for 2026. 

When I think about last year...well honestly...I try not to think about it. And I feel sad and bad about that. I was trying desperately not to waste away this season. I don't want to drown the beauty of my life right now in the ache for what I long for it to be. Because it is beautiful and full here--I know that. But when the ache for something that always seems out of your reach and out of your control is so sharp and so deep, it's just hard to stay present. 

My husband and I spent the last few days of 2025 at a cozy little cabin on the Olympic Peninsula that our dear friends were kind enough to let us use. I set myself up in front of the floor to ceiling windows overlooking crystal clear Lake Cushman and those layered evergreen tree lines that the PNW is so famous for. And there, I dared myself to reflect on a year that I would rather leave far behind. And I worked hard to see past that all consuming ache and to remember that there had been so much more. 

So here are a few things that happened in 2025 that I'm really proud of <3

1. I completed A Beautiful Year in the Bible

I have read the entire Bible before, but I've never completed one of these programs. In a year when faith felt hard and spiritual disciplines did not come easily, this was such a gift. The weekly themes kept the process interesting and the gorgeous artwork brought a lot of joy. 

2. I celebrated even when celebrating felt really hard to do

3. I was vulnerable with my people and I let them show up for me and love me even when I wanted to hide. 

4. I kept doing things that I love to do, like being in nature and seeing new places and riding ferries. My husband and I saw Big Sur which has been a long time bucket list item of mine. 

5. I did my best to be present and enjoy the goodness and beauty of my life right now. Mostly my darling husband and my pup <3

 6. I hosted more friends and filled our home with joy and celebration. 

7. I spent two entire months with my mom this year--one in Ohio helping her recover from hip surgery and celebrating her 70th and one here in Seattle for my birthday :) 

8. I read 9.5 books + the entire Bible. Some of my favorites were Waymaker, Remarkably Bright Creatures, and Sunrise on the Reaping. 

9. I went to see the flowers because flowers bring me so much joy. 

10. I kept important and meaningful traditions. We go back to the place we were engaged and married every single year <3

11. I took big (sometimes scary) steps towards our dreams. 

12. I made our house feel more like our home and I went through a major furniture flipping/diy phase. And these little things bring me joy every day. 

13. I made some progress with my Malayalam. I need to stress that it was a very small amount of progress, but in a year like 2025, it counts. 

14. I planted my first garden and made a dear friend while doing so. 

15. And most importantly, I kept looking for light and holding onto hope--often in the tiniest slivers. But I never stopped fighting for it, and I'm proud of myself for that. 

They may not seem like huge accomplishments, but for me, reflecting on these things makes my heart so full. On so many days, I felt like I was simply surviving, and barely doing that. It brings me a lot of joy to look back and see that I really did keep living and loving and celebrating and searching for hope amidst so much pain and heartache. I often think about the current season I'm walking through, and I've shared with those closest to me that I don't want to look back and be disappointed with myself for how I showed up. Making these lists and seeing these photos encourages me that I wasn't trudging through as much as I might have thought and also inspires me to keep showing up like this for as long as I'm called to carry this cross. 

And on that note, we'll save 2026 for next week since it seems I packed more into 2025 than I realized :)